Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
you never un-have a 4some
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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