Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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