her vagina looked like bernie madoff
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Rumble strips road head = magical
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
