i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
