if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
