I hate your face
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
