so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
