We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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