We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
