So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I came so hard my ears popped.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
