I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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