How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
