I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
