there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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