I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
