last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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