I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
