The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
