i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
