tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The air was thick with penises
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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