overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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