mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
