I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
