highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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