i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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