I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
