Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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