god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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