He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
