I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
