I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
