That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
