I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
