between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
