I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
