My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
