Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Text me some of your sweat
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
