we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
