No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
