FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
