You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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