Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
