At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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