I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
