He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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