wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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