I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
