he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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