can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
