Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
