Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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