Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
