I faked an abortion last night.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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