had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
There's always time for handjobs
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
